Sunday Service [Part 2]

It’s been a while since I wrote about going to church. Anyway, my hour-long class today only lasted 1/2 hour so I came back and felt like I should update. I joined a Christian fellowship in Bing called InterVarsity. It’s actually an international thing and the picture above is basically the logo and goal of InterVarsity. Since I’ve been at Bing, I’ve checked out two churches: Twin Orchard and UCCC. I liked UCCC more and the lead singer for worship was amazing man!

The first week of UCCC talked about baptism. That is something that is still far ahead in my future so I didn’t completely take full interest in the message, although it was educational. This previous Sunday’s message hit me though. The message talked about finding ourselves with God and where we stand with Him. It was a good message for both believers and non-believers. I felt like God was trying to put himself to work in us because I brought a non-believer friend to UCCC that week for the first time and the message hit dead-on. I found that pretty amazing. The message also reminded me that our walk with God is up to ourselves. If suddenly, there was no more church or no more Sunday services, it is still on us to keep our walk with God.

When I went the first week to UCCC, it wasn’t the message that hit me. It was something else. I saw a person in the front doing sign language to those who were mute or deaf. I also saw another person that was disabled at UCCC. Then, I started thinking to myself: What gives me the right to live without any disabilities? What gives me the right to be happy? I mean, when you see that disabled people still go to church and still have faith in God, that truly stands out.

 

NYCBC Senior Grad Party

Wow! Just wow! Thanks to everyone who made it possible. Look at everyone who showed up! The party was really just awesome. The theme was superheroes and look! We all dressed up! There were a bunch of laughs looking back at how the church was. Those throwback vids of Winnie and everyone else were mad funny! Everyone did a great job in making me feel like a part of the family at church. I thought I wouldn’t really have a part in it, but I did. So thanks guys…seriously! Thanks to everyone who wrote to me and encouraged me and just talked to me. It was great. And who knew…my superpower is sweating?!? C’mon guys…who came up with that? NOT COOL! And I’m glad I’ll be remembered as the guy who likes to take off his shirt in public hahaha! I call Daniel Chin’s role for next year’s grad party guys.

I will miss you guys and the church for sure. It did become another home for me. I’ll be back to visit. I promise. But until then, prayers, blessings, and love always. – “Roy”

 

Sunday Service [Part 1]

I find this one of the most beautiful things about church. The above picture isn’t the best picture I can take of it, but it’s when we get the chance to sing to God. And I love singing. The difference here is that we are a unified whole and no matter how good or bad you sing, God still finds it beautiful and loves you. You have to be there to know what I’m trying to describe.

So this Sunday is my last Sunday Service at NYCBC before I head off to Binghamton. I know I’ll be back, but it’s just kind of sad to be leaving just when I’m about to feel like a part of it all. I sat by myself for a while on the english congregation side just to get a last feel of everything. It sort of became another home for me even though I’ve only been there for 2-3 months. The people I met there were awesome, dedicated, friendly people and it sucks now that Binghamton will cause me to see them and hang out with them less.

I just wanted to start a new category for my WordPress to share what I learn during Sunday Service. It’s also a good way to help myself keep track of everything I learn. PB’s message today hit me because it not only talks about Christianity, but also relates to everyday life. We have to be able to leave our comfort zones to reach out to others. Try things you may have never done before or don’t like to do because we can’t focus on our own selfish desires of pure enjoyment and rather, we should enjoy the bonding experience of just being with someone. Yeah, harder said than done…I know. It just hits me hard because I’ve recently lost friends or lost contact with them since school ended. Some of them may have invited me to do something, but I didn’t go because I wasn’t interested. I should’ve went just to spend some time with that friend because college is coming right around the corner. I am guilty of that selfish desire for pure enjoyment.

For this summer, I’ve spent most of my time with the NYCBC people. I’ve gotten closer to them while becoming more distant to a lot of my other friends. It’s a hard balance, but it’s time to try harder.

 

As a Newcomer at NYCBC

This is the important post that I wish any Christian or anybody can take the time to read and leave me a comment or talk to me on AIM, Facebook or in person about it. It’s a struggle I want to be able to solve because it became a new part, and a very important part at that, in my life.

As a newcomer at NYCBC (church) and seemingly the only one, I find it hard to find someone to relate to. Since mostly everyone grew up here, it just feels strange for me being the odd ball out. It’s like the analogy of being a transfer student. When I don’t try to incorperate myself with others, then I can only blame myself. But what’s even more frustrating is when I do try and it doesn’t work. I still can’t get that feeling of belonging. And I do really want to belong, to be a part of the church. I know it takes time, but the thing is I don’t have that much time. It’s frustrating in itself to be making an effort to go to church and striving to become a part of it, but before I can get that sense of belonging, I will be off to college already. I have less than a month at NYCBC because I’ll be in Florida for the last two Sundays of church before I head off to Binghamton. So what can be done in less than a month? Not as much as I wish could be done, to say the least. And what will happen when I come back? It’s like starting all over again, or at least that’s how I feel. It’s just sad to have to think of that. But John did tell me, “If God didn’t want me to be here, I wouldn’t be here.” I definitely took everything he told me to heart. I know I’m supposed to be here, but I just dunno why I’m here for. I guess it’s ok because everybody else is searching for the same answer too. Everybody else is walking the same walk as I am with God. It’s just that I feel so lost in the crowd.

I was frustrated at myself for not opening myself to more people and taking the initiative to approach them. I just have that mentality that I’d be budging into their conversation. But some of the people are saying maybe I’m just trying too hard. Eric said that it’s something new to them because I was the first newcomer in a while that actually stayed and it’s something we all have to adjust to. I guess maybe I try hard in hopes of finding some accountability. I talked to Albert about it on the bus ride back. I think it’s important to find more than one person as accountability because that might be a problem with NYCBC. Maybe it can become a whole community as everyone opens up to each other and get to know each other so we can find more people to be able to trust, to talk to, to be accountable for. I don’t know much about the Bible or Christianity; I admit that, but I am seeking. And I hope people can open up to me because I’m a very open guy. If you open up, I’ll open up too. I hope some of you can start to trust me, can talk to me about anything, and find accountability in me. I think that’s what we’re all looking for at this time after the problems have finally been exposed and expressed at the retreat.

I was frustrated when I realized how hard it was to talk to some people in person. There were times when I wanted to approach certain people or a certain person, but my mind was blank on what to say. It was so much easier on AIM and so much more difficult in person. I really wanted to talk to that person because we talked so much online, but I was a coward and couldn’t find anything to say. I found it frustrating to be able to talk to the guys so much easier than the girls, but I guess that’s how it is in the beginning. I can’t completely blame the church for all the problems I feel because I know I’m in part to blame. I don’t try hard enough myself sometimes and wonder off by myself. I know it’s the wrong thing to do, but I keep doing it and for every second I stay by myself, I feel more like a fool. I don’t want to be remembered for that. I keep wondering to myself why I’m here and what am I doing here. There were times at the retreat that I felt like I really wanted to leave and I kept trying to push that thought aside. It was just everything that I was experiencing along with all the problems exposed at church that made it a lot for me to take. I wanted to punch a wall sometimes due to my frustrations and sometimes it drove me crazy with the constant thought of being so lost.

I guess what Hanna wrote was true. Maybe I walk off to see if someone would come talk to me. Maybe I want some more attention as a newcomer. I think my biggest sin is pride. I think I want to be noticed or to have some recognition. I want to do things that give me recognition. But Fran did tell me that the best things are when people don’t ask you to do it and you do it automatically. I know it may be reallly messed up how I feel but I’m being honest.

I learned that spiritual highs are not good at all. I mean it did lead me to go to NYCBC, but the crash at the retreat was just bad. I thought I was doing fine and getting along well in church, but the retreat exposed me of how it really was. Everything caught up with me and the crash just happened when I least expected it. I thought I had gotten to know the people at church and was comfortable with them, only to realize that it was nothing close to that. I thought I felt a sense of belonging after all the Fridays and Sundays together, but it was nothing close to that. Not close at all. But I am working on it and I am glad I didn’t get a spiritual high through this retreat. Rather, I learned a lot through Pastor Andrew and everyone else and seriously got to question myself as a seeker of God.

I began questioning myself why I’m here. Is it because I just wanted to hang out or am I serious about being a Christian? Do I just want to make friends or do I really want to learn about God? Sad as it is, it may be more of the former than the latter. I feel guilty because I’ve been hoping that although I may go to church for the wrong reasons, I may eventually go because of the right ones. It takes time and work and devotion and dedication. And I am trying. I just hope God sees that and helps me along the way. And I hope God helps NYCBC to grow as a community and resolve the problems that have been going on.

The retreat was a very humbling experience. I hope that for all those who attended it to have learned something through it and continue to grow with God. I hope that you guys will pray for me as I continue with my walk with God as I will do the same for you guys. I haven’t prayed in a long time at night by myself, but I have faith now in prayers. I know now that God is listening because there were so many miracles I saw while at the retreat. God’s doing his work. I know it. And I’m not sure if I’ve completely accepted Christ yet because Fran said someone accepted Christ while at the retreat and I don’t know if she was looking at me or saying that I was the one. Just to clarify, I am still a seeker but a serious seeker. I just hope I don’t quit because I’ve quit at so many things before, except basketball. I hope through my struggles, I can overcome them and find peace and just be able to devote myself and serve as a Christian.

If you feel like there’s something, anything you can say to me, it’d be great to leave a comment or just talk to me. I’m being as open as I can be, and I hope in doing so, I will find an answer or two. Hopefully I can find some advice on what I can do or some sign that I’m going down the right path. Thanks guys and blessings to all.

 

NYCBC Summer Retreat

This is gonna be a long entry, but it’s a very important one. I don’t want to keep it brief because I really want to express myself. I’m sure this entry is only about half the things I have in my mind. If you’re a Christian or belong to NYCBC, I hope you will take the time to read this to help me through my struggles with my walk with God. Hopefully, by the end of this entry, you will have some feedback for me and can leave a comment or tell me on AIM or facebook or just have a talk with me. I would really appreciate that. I do wonder if anybody else feels the same and if you do, just know that you’re not alone.

spinnin’: “I believe in you” – Bethany Dillon
(I first heard this song from the praise movement that Emily Yung created.)

The retreat was completely different from what I expected; it was totally different from the TECBC retreat. I expected to just have fun and be able to learn about the 4 great C’s. I expected to become closer to a bunch of the NYCBC people and get to know some others. It was so much more than that though. Everything that happened just blew me away and left me questioning many things. There were many ups and downs.

On the way to Eastern University, I talked to Winnie, Angelo, and Tami about the most random things. On the first day of the retreat, we had some free time. I played some volleyball and finally learned how to throw a frisbee. Thanks Albert. I was having a good time until joint snacks time. It was at that time that I felt like everything caught up with me and I felt completely lost within the NYCBC crowd. I couldn’t get into a conversation because I dunno what the people are talking about. I think that’s when I had my crash from a seemingly long spiritual high developed from the TECBC retreat. More on that later. Cabin devotions cheered me up because of the icebreaker skittles game. I got to know our cabin devotion group a little better. The program said that lights out was at 11, but no one really came to check on us so Albert, Daniel, and I talked about stuff in our room. I fell asleep around 2 out of nowhere and when i woke up again, Albert and Daniel were still talking. I just went right back to bed.

The second day was better thanks to John. After the night discussion with the discussion group, I talked to John about being lost at the retreat. During the discussion, people were talking about some of the others that left NYCBC and I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea who the people were. At the end of the discussion, we decided to break up with a partner to end in prayer. I got paired with John and when we were in a separate room, he asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about. We spent about an hour there, missing part of joint snack time. It was good to have someone listen to me and it was good being able to express myself. That night, it was cool how all the teens gathered to play this card game that most of us just learned during joint snack time. I whooped Elliot’s butt by the way. I returned to my room to talk to Albert and Daniel. Albert fell asleep first this time and I think i talked to Daniel and Andy until about 3AM.

John said a couple of things that were very encouraging to me and hit me pretty hard. He said: “If God didn’t want me to be here, I wouldn’t be here.” He also said: “We don’t want to be a part of the problem, we want to be a part of the solution.” That is very true and gave me hope. So a big thanks to you, John.

Saturday was another down day for me. But first, I was completely in awe and shocked that during session 3, Pastor Andrew Lee talked about the same thing that John and I talked about. It led to a change in schedule and many of us had a meeting together addressing the problems at church. That’s when I found out that people, among them leaders, had left church, some without explanation, some for good reasons, and some otherwise. Many people were upset and angry and shared their stories. I thought about not being in the meeting, but I stayed because I wanted to know what was going on and I wanted to be a part of NYCBC. I also hesitated when I shared because I felt that as a newcomer, I didn’t have the right to say what I wanted to say. But I shared anyway, hoping that my comments will help or be a sign of encouragement. For the group activity, it was fun with the popping the balloons game. However, I sweat so much from that game that I decided to quit when I was the only silver person left. Emily Yung was like “OMGOSH you’re so sweaty” loL. When I went back to the dorm room to change, the outside door wouldn’t open. I kept typing in the code again and again but the door wouldn’t budge. I asked for someone to help me and when she came, she punched in the code and the door opened with ease. I was like “WHATTTTTTTTT? Do it again.” So she did it again and it didn’t open. While she was fixing it, the others returned from the group activities. I felt so embarrassed because I was still sweating and I had taken off my shirt and put it on backwards and inside out. I heard that I missed out on a fun game called “hit the deck.”

At night, there was that whole sense of feeling lost again. During joint snacks time, I tried to get involved in a conversation, but I kept bouncing back and forth between people. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t get into a conversation because I didn’t stay long enough, but I felt so clueless sometimes from what the people were saying. Stupid as I am, I decided to go by myself to the soccer field and just sit there. After a while, I went to cabin devotions. I had nothing to share during the time although I really wanted to talk to somebody about my current situation. I found Joyce and I decided to talk to her about it. She’s one of those really mature people that I look up to although I don’t know much about her yet…I think that says a lot about her already. It was definitely very reliefing talking to her and she said some encouraging things. She was surprised that I actually kept going back to church and to Footsteps and shared my thoughts during the meeting. It was a nice reminder that hopefully, I was doing the right thing and going towards the right path. Afterwards, I went back to the soccer field and just sat there again myself. Some of the people decided to sleep on the field for the night and welcomed me in. I refused because I was deep in thought. There was just so much going on in my head but I really did want to sleep on the field too. I thought about that the first day I arrived there. Anyway, I just want to thank those that approached me and asked if I was ok. I guess I made myself very unapproachable with the “emo” things I do. Finally, when Winnie came to ask me what’s wrong, I decided to tell her. When she left to go back to the dorm rooms, I decided to stay a while longer by myself on the field. Honestly, I broke down with tears in my eyes with all the stuff that I was thinking about. I kept kicking the fence and pulling on it because I was frustrated and I didn’t know how to let it out. When i went back to the dorm rooms, I found out that the teens had a “meeting” about the problems at church and I was brought up. I was really shocked to know that and it makes me feel even more uncomfortable now. I had a talk with Daniel, Albert, and Eric about how I felt. It was good to let it out and have them share their thoughts too. I read from Hanna that “the boys locked themselves in the room.” I hope that doesn’t cause any offense to anybody else, but I just didn’t want to share how I felt with everyone in person. Hence, I am writing this now for those who do want to know. Daniel also told me I’m now known for having my hood on. It’s like my trademark because when i have my hood (of my hoodie) on, it means I’m upset at something. So that goes out to how stupid I am once again for being the stupid person I am. I do not want to be known as this emo person everywhere I go and it’s definitely something I have to work on. We talked and slept at like 5AM. I tried to stay up to wait for Jessie and Emily to finish practicing their praise movement and see if they wanna talk, but I fell asleep before they came up. I never really got a chance to talk to the girls, except for Winnie, while i was at the retreat. That’s something to work on.

On sunday, I left the retreat with many questions in mind. I didn’t get what I thought I would get out of the retreat. That’s for sure. I decided to be by myself part of the time just to think and hopefully clear things up although that didn’t really happen. On the bus ride back, I talked to Albert more about the retreat and then went to sleep because I was exhausted. I really wished I had approached many of the things I did differently and enjoyed myself more instead of being by myself, but what’s done is done. Hopefully, I can take this experience as a way of learning on what to do and what not to do and continue on my walk with God.

A special thanks goes to all those who helped plan for the retreat. Thanks to Gabe for leading cabin devotions. Thanks to Wendy and Sally for leading group discussions. Thanks to Joyce, John, and Fran for taking the time to listen and talk to me because I didn’t expect to have been able to talk to you guys the way I did. Thanks to Richard for giving me info about Binghamton. A big thanks to Pastor Andrew Lee for coming to speak to us. And a very big thanks to Tiff, Emily, Herman, Simon, and Joyce for leading worship. I find it very inspiring and courageous that they took the time and devotion to practice and lead. Thanks to all the others who welcomed me and talked to me during the retreat. And thanks for reading this entry if you took the time to because this is 1800+ words long.

I will have another entry soon talking about how I feel as a newcomer.

 

OH MAN IT’S TODAY!

So what is today? It’s the first day of the NYCBC summer retreat. I’m pretty excited for it cuz it’s my first time going with NYCBC but I don’t expect anything because I dunno what to expect and expectations always cause disappointments. I’m gonna make the best of this trip for sure. That’s what God intended =]

So I’ll be gone for 4 days and be back Sunday. Keep visiting the wordpress and ask any questions if you have, either on this post or the one before this one. I only got 3 questions technically. I’ll answer them on another post later on.

For now, I think I should go because I don’t wanna be late to get to church loL. Peace! And be safe while I’m gone. =]